I can openly admit that when I first came to Christ, I struggled to hear God's voice.
I'd read books by my favorite Christian authors about how people had spoken incredible prophecies over them. I'd hear inspiring testimonies in church about how the Lord spoke to certain people.
As a young man, my husband heard the audible voice of God, which revealed His plan for my husband's life.
Eventually, I began to feel both confused and envious by these amazing stories. How could I have an incredible experience like that? Especially in those first months of rebuilding our marriage, I felt desperate to have that kind of interaction with God.
I actually remember feeling wounded, like I'd been left out because I couldn't "hear" God's voice, as my husband and others had.
My prayer deepened and I began to intensify my Bible reading. But, despite my efforts, nothing seemed to change. This was because my intentions were all wrong - I wanted an experience that others had had.
For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.
- James 3:16
The Bible warns us to not be in competition with others, and I can admit that this nearly became my demise. My misguided intentions brought me lots of frustration.
One evening after praying, I began to sob. I'd been holding in big, defeated tears for too long.
My husband hugged me and asked what was wrong. I admitted my disappointment, "I wish God would speak to me the same way He did to you. I feel like I'm pulling myself in all these different directions trying to figure out His will!"
This was the first step in a learning process for me as a new Christian.
I had to figure out the hard way that my faith walk couldn't be compared to anyone else's. God's plan, timing, and purpose were always higher than my own. The more I tried to be in control of the relationship between God and I the more unhappy I would continue to be.
To this day, I still have not heard the audible voice of God. I haven't been exclusively prophesied over.
But, I have witnessed incredible miracles that have brought me to my knees and praise to my lips!
The Lord has revealed Himself to me in the perfect passage of scripture exactly when I needed it. He has healed family members of consuming illnesses. Over the course of two years, I watched God transform my marriage from dirt and debris into a healthy and thriving garden - what I'd prayed for!
It's not just a good life, it's a joyful life!
My family is always left in awe by the daily miracles He provides. This relationship between God and I- it is a constant comfort and hope that I can never turn away from.
However, it wasn't until I stopped comparing and trying to control it that I could truly enjoy it.